The delivery room was super crowded, as each baby had a pediatrics team of 3 and emotions were running high with not just me and my support team, but also the hospital senior staff who came to see a “once in a career opportunity” as they called it.
It was a very exciting atmosphere also because the gender reveal was a surprise right up until the last baby. Hurrah! I got my wish of 2 girls and a boy – Indiana, Dakota and Hendrix..
The one thing I remembered from my first pregnancy, when I was 25 hours into a 43 hour labour was “Nothing can prepare you for this shit”…so don’t worry about planning anything because it will all get blown out of the water. But even with that caution, this time around I thought I would have so much spare time in the hospital in the weeks after birth when the babies were in the neo natal unit – I thought I would be writing blogs and taking sales calls in between pumping!
I mean, I did start writing a blog “What Having 3 Babies at Once Taught me About Body Confidence”… but I had no core strength so I couldn’t stand and I was still bleeding everywhere. Oh, and I’d been in labour all day and had just had 3 babies come out of my vagina about 2 hours earlier – so there was that too.
So many people who know me well have told me how typical it is that I’ve had 3 babies at once, “you’re such an over achiever Bianca”. To be honest I’ve actually kicked myself a few times thinking I really should have expected this, as I always seem to be having something ridiculously difficult happening in my life! I’ve come to realise Over Achiever may actually just be another term to describe a chronic tendency to be “Under Realistic”. Above case in point!
As it turned out, with the babies 3 hourly feed rotation taking up an hour and a half to do feed, change, settle and pump – there was only ever an hour and a half to eat, go to the bathroom, collect my thoughts and then rinse and repeat.
But here I am 6 months later, and I’ve settled somewhat into my new identity of a Mother of Multiples and I’m coming up for air with a redefinition of how my life and business now has changed to accomodate having 4 children under 4.
** My intention for writing this post is to gather my own thoughts as I start this unfolding process of my new sense of self. Also, I have many people in my sphere of influence who offer me lots of love and support and it’s the best way I can honour the question ‘And how are YOU?”. It’s a multi tiered question I would love to answer honestly – but that takes time and brain cells – and both are in short supply these days.
There are also a great many of people who are interested in the Phoenix rising from the ashes journey any woman is going through, it’s lovely to have so many women I have never met offer their support to me and sending love to my babies.
However, there is still a part of me that is in contraction, feeling exhausted and uninspired and telling me just to STFU and stop being so indulgent in sharing my feelings. Nobody fucking cares Bianca pull your head in. In these moments I imagine myself just writing this for my sisters in arms – those who truly know what it’s like to process their vulnerability in a public way in service of a higher calling. I also think of the strangers in my inbox who offer me kind words and tell me how sharing my story has inspired them. (Thank you to you all)
A part of me also remembers how important my business is to me, and there’s a faint little voice that is reminding me to keep striving to reconnect with my mission. I am truly grateful to be working with some incredible clients as I take them through my signature program the Body Confidence Project. Their breakthroughs, insights and appreciation is like a lighthouse out on the horizon that is gently guiding me home.*
I’m finding it quite difficult to write this post because usually I write after I’ve processed things, not when I’m still deep in the thick of it.
I’ve found it extremely difficult to have thoughts outside the huge operational exercise my life is – my brain is just one foggy to-do list that I constantly run through whilst muttering to myself in my pyjamas with spew in my hair.
It’s been a very contracted experience over the past 3 months – I have spurts of inspiration returning now that I have triplets in daycare two days a week. I’ve been using these moments to write a couple of sentences for this blog in the notes section of my phone, this blog has taken me at least 3 weeks to write.
My creative side is all channeled into the babies, I can recycle and upcycle content I’ve created previously, but I just don’t seem to have the capacity to access my usual mode of motivation to learn, teach and share en masse.
In stark contrast to previous years, I don’t feel deeply connected into my truth or the clarity I used to have around a higher calling. I don’t start my days with moments of exercise induced euphoria, in nature, channeling inspired messages from the divine. No, it’s more like taking a big whiff of a pooey Nappy that triggers me to wake up or being relentlessly kicked in the back by a smiling baby (heartbreakingly cute and equally annoying)
In that way, I do not feel like myself. I’ve recently quit drinking coffee on a daily basis, and I was surprised at how much my personality and “happy thoughts” were buoyed by caffeine. It’s taken a little while to regulate my mood since, and I’ve found that my gut health has improved because of it.
Truth be told, I’m still reeling at the power of positive expectation and trying to understand how I manifested 3 babies into my life!
There’s a magic element here at work and I’m awestruck by the Universe.
During the time I was trying to conceive, every month around ovulation time I spent many moments of many months, meditating on the idea of sperm meeting the egg, as I joyously invited spirit babies to “Come on Downnnnn!” (in my best Game Show host voice)
After the birth of the triplets I told the media that “I was aiming for twins and somewhere along the line I overshot” and even though everyone just thought I was being funny – I can’t deny how intentional it also was.
I realise whilst I did ask for multiple babies, I didn’t specify HOW many babies! And it’s totally boggled my mind how all those moments of desire were bundled up and “spat out” as 3 gorgeous babies.
I imagine with all the power of my intention my womb’s generosity was more like Oprah…..
“YOU get a sperm! YOU get a sperm! YOU get a sperm!”
whilst the cells in my uterine wall were just like Oprah’s audience screaming with hysterical delight!
This has brought more self enquiry to recognise such a huge example of creating my own reality, where I haven’t been as conscientious as I could be and where I have been downright neglectful to the world around me.
People often say “Triplets! How do you do it?” With a wan smile I say “I just systematically let go of my every need, want and desire and lower my personal hygiene levels to the bare minimum… oh and I started drinking too!”
I jest – but there is an element of truth to it. Expectations make me frustrated – without 3 babies you might have a daily project like “clean out the cupboard” but with babies the project you start the day with is the bare minimum like a “have a shower”, “make dinner” or the crowd favourite “let’s just not lose our shit today”.
Trying to add something in like clean the kitchen or make the bed can be the straw that breaks the camels back and nek minnit I’m back in “I-Don’t-Give-A-Shitsville ” which is a very difficult headspace to be in when you have 3 babies might I add!
Despite this, I am still fighting the tide and decided to buy some swimwear that fit this “cascading body” in order to get more exercise into my week. Honestly, I was that surprised by the state of my once athletic figure – after a long time staring at my reflection in the change room I ended up laughing my arse off as I took horrible unflattering photos from ALL the different angles.
“Ravaged” is the word that came to mind
And no, not “ He ravaged her” in the romantic sense of desire – more like “the toll of waddling around with 15lbs of baby has ravaged my body”
I’m discovering how to reveal another layer of acceptance of myself, appreciation for what my body has endured, and being respectful of the time it will take to heal it.
I’m coming to terms with the fact that my body will never perform the way it used to – but that I can create my own strength parameters that will make me efficient and feel accomplished as an athlete once more.
> New Level Old Devil
Emotional eating is something I help my clients with, because it’s also been something that I’ve wrestled with from a young age and a very passionate love affair with food
When it’s 8pm and I haven’t left the house all day and I’m desperate to discover some sense of self that’s often when I can elect to go for a drive. But where are you gunna drive at 8pm and you’re dog tired and you’ve given up all sense of self?
Well – straight to the servo to get some icecream and chocolate of course!
Of course, using food as a source of entertainment, comfort, or numbing distraction when you’re producing milk for 3 babies means your body is in storage mode – so that’s really not a very resourceful strategy at all! Just quietly – I managed my weight quite easily during pregnancy but put 6kg on in the 6 weeks I got back from hospital!
I’m currently working with an awesome trainer/nutritionist/naturopath to help give me some accountability and guidance around living more in my parasympathetic nervous system and creating hormonal balance.
Some of my friends think I’m crazy for enlisting this kind of help – but I have always discovered the best of myself, the best of friends, the best of mentors and the best of life when I’m seeking ways to live in alignment.
So in some ways I’m back at square one with reenlisting my healthy habits, and in other ways I’m in completely unchartered territory. C’est la vie!
I also was a little alarmed that after birthing Indiana (head first) and between birthing Dakota (breech) and Hendrix (footling extraction) I was overcome with guilt …. “I thought it was going to be harder!”.
Yep, I had just carried 6 kilos of baby to 34 weeks, birthed them vaginally but because my first birth was so long and traumatic, and this one I had an epidural right from when they broke my waters I felt “robbed” from the pain I thought I was going to have to endure.
That’s some messed up shit right!
Well, it’s just another “New level of the Old Devil” Aussie Battler, survivor mentality I have done so much work to identify and release. It’s the idea that you can only enjoy your success if you’ve worked really hard to achieve it, and that you’re a good person if you work really hard, and if it comes easy it’s not really worth it.
There’s a whole other bunch of maladaptive belief patterns that stem from this Survivor Mentality – including “conditional self love”, “Mother martyrdom” and scarcity ideas such as “money doesn’t grow on trees” and “money is the root of all evil” etc etc.
I can see now I’m circling back to the start of another awakening that is forged through the ring of fire of experience (pun intended 😉 and I guess this is what I’ve always asked for – that my life acts as the muse to fuel my mission in life – helping myself and other women own their power and “wake up to your womanhood”.
Being a breastfeeding mother I find it heightens my sensitivities and empathy to suffering. The bushfire victims, the huge losses of wildlife, starving children in Yemen, the climate crisis …all of it has made me feel quite debilitated in running my business in comparison to my “before-triplet-life”.
Of course you don’t need to have triplets to be devastated by these events, however I’ve found there is a humility I have now about my approach to business (yes having even one baby will make you very humble!).
I don’t want to shout from the rooftops about my need to change the world, I’m not channeling the Joan of Arc vigilante of the past and I’m far less aggressive in my attitude to injustices than my younger self.
I just don’t have the energy or the bandwidth.
And to be fair, I can’t always trust I’m wearing my shirt the right way out or that a nipple hasn’t escaped let alone being ready to grandstand in public.
**Oh my god I’ve just remembered I actually did post my nipple on instagram… when I reposted it without the little escapee in sight, somebody said – I thought that was on purpose cos you were showing us how real you are! I replied “Yeah, I’m being so real I didn’t even know I did it LOL”
However, more than ever, I am earnest and eager to apply my skills to help ease suffering and improve our quality of life where I can – and my life’s work has always been in the field of wellness and feminine leadership.
On the surface I work with women who have been striving for success in their career, and their body has suffered as a consequence. I help them to heal their relationship to food, gain energy, lose weight, and create genuine and lasting body confidence.
On a deeper level I am working together with my clients on healing their emotional trauma that is stored in their body and is expressed by excess weight, sluggish metabolism and negative self talk. By raising our vibration, by improving the choices we make every day – we can all be more empowered to take a stand to demand a better, more sustainable future for our children, our animals and our planet.
I am given hope by the Dalai Lama’s quote “The world will be saved by the Western Woman”.
And so because of this, I am dedicated to reinvigorating all the hundreds of pieces of content I’ve already created – videos, posts and blogs and repurposing them so that they can be relevant to you today.
My younger self was very much playing the long and hard game to collect paying clients, but that was also the girl who put goals and achievements as obstacles before self acceptance and happiness.
I have a much more holistic approach to business and life now – my experience has shown that I can help impact the life of many women who may never pay me a penny, and I now fully honour my role in how I can contribute.
Also through all the personal healing and processing work I have been doing over the past few years with a very special collection of friends and mentors (including my darling friend and coach Kylie Ryan) I have understood the more subtle approach to attracting soul contract clients (thanks also to Ari Kala for helping me deepen my understanding of this)
By recognising the adage of “When the student is ready the teacher will appear” I realise that just by continually speaking my truth and allowing others to come along for the journey benefits me in my business as well as my greater community at large.
This is the very long explanation as to why I will be upcycling the videos, podcasts and interviews I have created over the last 5 years and putting it into an evergreen nurture sequence so that every person who opts into my list will see the progression of the ideas and insights, delivered weekly to their inbox.
I’ll also be sharing case studies of inspirational women who went through this process and who are testament to the power of investing in your own self care, letting go of the Inner Critic and Mother Martyrdom and making peace with your body.
Thanks for following me until this point – the process I have guided myself through here in this self expression is part of the releasing your “Emotional Weight’ section in my signature transformational system I also use with all my clients.
After suffering a fairly serious breakdown I was unable to cope with life in general. My body felt broke, old and frail – I didn’t just feel middle aged, I felt half dead. I hadn’t realised that my body was self destructing and I was doing it to myself, working long hours, too much alcohol, lots of bad food and absolutely no exercise.
After six months of working with Bianca, I no longer need my blood pressure medication, anti depressants and my cholesterol is in a safe zone. I have lost 2 dress sizes and more than 26 kilos. I now have a life outside of our business and can see a happy, healthy future for our family. I hope the person I became never comes back as I like this girl so much better.
I had heard of Bianca through some magazines – it was an investment but I had tried and failed so many times but in six short months, 20 kilos melted off me and it had a massive and unexpected effect on our styling business. While working with Bianca we secured a national gig, increased our prices to a level we previously thought no one would pay, AND we were booked out weeks in advance.
The majority of this 20 kilo weight loss has only been 5% diet and exercise, the rest has been an emotional journey. Bianca confronted me and called me on my BS and challenged some of my most deeply help beliefs about who I am. And the results are undeniable. I haven’t completely quit drinking, I still get to eat chocolate, I’ve had the best year in my business EVER – and perhaps the most important thing is how differently I react to things emotionally.
Who knew that taking it slowly and being kind to yourself could get you the results that yelling at yourself couldn’t.
Before working with Bianca I was super stressed and I thought it was too hard and I didn’t have the time to be slim AND successful. But I was surprised at how easy it was to implement Bianca’s system – I haven’t counted calories and I still pig out on foods I love. It’s been no coincidence to me that as a result of the new clarity of mind I’ve actually doubled my business at the same time I’ve made these changes to my body.