I had a Gestational Diabetes test yesterday, and it took the majority of my day away
I thought; today was kinda wasted….
And yet day turns to night over and over – regardless of whether I made the most out of that day.
I found myself feeling sad about;
I’m almost crying thinking about dying on the children I haven’t even given birth to yet!
These pregnancy hormones are diabolical for sentimentality!
And it brought to mind this photo.
I remember thinking to myself – How could ANY mother EVER think anything negative about her body when she brought life into this world and could sustain it outside her womb with nothing less than a source of perfect nutrition from her breast?
But it wasn’t always so – I have spent a lifetime stabbing myself in the heart with words of self-loathing about my body.
At age 5 I manifested plain warts all over my face – because I was so convinced of the ugliness of my chubby round face and ringleted brown curls.
At 8 I remember looking at my thin friend who’s knees were blue from cold and thinking to myself that’s how skinny I should be too.
At 16 I stole a packet of “hydroxycut” from the supermarket I was so ashamed of my body I couldn’t bring myself to buy them at the counter
At 21 in the US on a College Volleyball Scholarship I remember looking in the mirror, calling myself disgusting and when a red tide of self-loathing washed over me I wished for a knife that could cut the fat of my thighs off.
At 28 – Every night for 2 weeks I took 1 pill of a horse steroid, a drug that bodybuilders used to burn a couple of hundred grams of extra fat. A drug that could kill you if you took 2 of them – by burning you up from the inside.
My struggle with my perception of my body, and how I viewed my self-worth made me seek out the world’s greatest teachers, connect with incredible souls and masters of their craft and go on many a deep journey inwards until I transmuted that soul crippling pain to exquisite gratitude and joy.
Cut to last night – my 2yo son was running around with a plush dog my boyfriend gave me 13 years ago when we were on the verge of breaking up.
Today, that man is now my husband, the father of my children and still the love of my life.
What was once a symbol of pain and uncertainty, mixed with tenderness and an unwillingness to let go of what we had – now gives my son great delight. He’s claimed it as “Mine not yours!”, renamed it after our ridgeback and calls him “Bossy”.
And I guess the message of this rich dichotomy – now makes me deeply humbled by the passage of time, and mind-blowingly thankful for the wounds I carried – because of the gift of the journey that healed them.
This photo; but a fleeting moment of time in this journey we call life
This body – the vessel that is our one opportunity to experience it
Where this bittersweet passage of time is the only thing that gives it all value and meaning.
And I guess the conclusion I draw to comfort myself is that it’s a futile exercise to think of the passing of time as wasted. Because with every perceived negative there is a positive that compliments it, with every great plot twist a climax that succeeds it.
The contrast of the two spurs us onto the next experience, and without it, we’d be stuck in the inertia of melancholy for the past, anxiety for the future and our absence from the present.
Imagine that – ignoring the gift of today, because you’re so focused on the beauty of what the past was, or the imagined discomfort of what the future might bring – so much so that you’re not present for the gift that’s unravelling in this very moment!
That would be like stressing out about having 3 kids on the way and having enough time and energy to love them all at once!
Okay! I’m out – if you got this far, thanks for joining the ride with me.
After suffering a fairly serious breakdown I was unable to cope with life in general. My body felt broke, old and frail – I didn’t just feel middle aged, I felt half dead. I hadn’t realised that my body was self destructing and I was doing it to myself, working long hours, too much alcohol, lots of bad food and absolutely no exercise.
After six months of working with Bianca, I no longer need my blood pressure medication, anti depressants and my cholesterol is in a safe zone. I have lost 2 dress sizes and more than 26 kilos. I now have a life outside of our business and can see a happy, healthy future for our family. I hope the person I became never comes back as I like this girl so much better.
I had heard of Bianca through some magazines – it was an investment but I had tried and failed so many times but in six short months, 20 kilos melted off me and it had a massive and unexpected effect on our styling business. While working with Bianca we secured a national gig, increased our prices to a level we previously thought no one would pay, AND we were booked out weeks in advance.
The majority of this 20 kilo weight loss has only been 5% diet and exercise, the rest has been an emotional journey. Bianca confronted me and called me on my BS and challenged some of my most deeply help beliefs about who I am. And the results are undeniable. I haven’t completely quit drinking, I still get to eat chocolate, I’ve had the best year in my business EVER – and perhaps the most important thing is how differently I react to things emotionally.
Who knew that taking it slowly and being kind to yourself could get you the results that yelling at yourself couldn’t.
Before working with Bianca I was super stressed and I thought it was too hard and I didn’t have the time to be slim AND successful. But I was surprised at how easy it was to implement Bianca’s system – I haven’t counted calories and I still pig out on foods I love. It’s been no coincidence to me that as a result of the new clarity of mind I’ve actually doubled my business at the same time I’ve made these changes to my body.